Walking around the block and getting my dose of vitamin D today got me thinking, about my state of mind and where my life is right now. A year ago I would have said ‘I loved my job and things felt great’. I felt a sense of belonging, accomplishment and frankly, purpose. Not that I feel like a worthless steaming pile of cow dung today, but I will admit that things feel a bit more . . . hmmm . . . fuzzy. With the idea of returning to school breathing on my neck and saying ‘working is lame, go back to school’ and the pressure of another month’s expenses pushing me, saying ‘what are you mad? you have to work!’ I find good battling evil. It is a fine line between the two. You could say getting a full-time job and supporting yourself as a single woman is good, right? So how about working part-time, or multiple part-times and living by the seat of you pants? (more accurately, living by the threads of an empty wallet). When you take the choice to work part-time due to the possibility of continuing education, however . . . still a bad choice? and this is where it gets confusing. Still analyzing my life a year ago and wondering what’s next. I do NOT, however, wish i could go back in time and choose not to be unemployed.

I do enjoy my relaxed days and afternoon naps. My daily after lunch walk in the sunshine, and my endless time for ebay auction watching. I will admit that by about Wednesday, however, of no work AND no school I find myself checking my email one to many times, and wearing out my apartment rug as I pace, looking for something to do. Having the flexibility of not working I have still somehow managed to develop a daily routine. I wake up, go to the tanning salon, come home to exercise than shower, put on music, and slip into some heels, fix my hair, and than . . . than what? I pace. Eventually I calm down for lunch and my post lunch walk and nap. Of course there are the several hours on the computer proceeding my nap where I can hunt for jobs, check my email at least every 5 minutes and doodle around myspace wishing that cute boy I have been talking to wasn’t off working. Agh! Must everyone be responsible? I can then spend my evening catching up with friends and my favorite tv-shows and call it a day well spent.

I just know that my life will be changing soon, and how I am not sure. Is there something big around the corner? School or work? Well eventually there is my first trip to New York, but that is a bigger corner than I hope these other two will be. Still have stuff to look forward to though while I sit at home and wonder if I will ever do anything with my life. ‘You sure will! You will go to New York.’ Well, hey. It’s something.

Being sick is such a buzz kill. After Christmas I spent 10 days with the stomach flu, which my father has since told me is being announced as an epidemic. I believe every word of it too after my entire extended family in which we celebrated Christmas with was also sick. In fact the only few not sick where my parents with their flu shots. Which in my own way, I refuse to get every year. I would like to easily explain my lack of shot by my fear of needles, but after being poked and prodded like a Thanksgiving turkey, by a technician who couldn’t even find my vein, I would say it isn’t so much about the needle. In fact I was so sick of being pricked by said technician I was on the verge of volunteering to take my own blood. A leech would have been better than ‘Oops sorry I missed it again’. So if not the fear of the needle, than the fear of what? I still don’t think I will get a flu shot next year. Still have nightmares of layers of Bugs Bunny bandaids . . . which is why I have since converted to Hello Kitty. I would much rather see a happy little kitty smiling back at me . . . flowers and daisies in her hair, than Coyote being run over by a dump truck at the hands of Roadrunner. I much prefer the site of something less horrific stuck to my scab.

Stomach flu gone, but now just 1 week later I wake up with a sore throat and an achy body that only a 90 year old, purple haired grandma could understand and sympathize with. I haven’t had a sore throat since college. I was just beginning to forget how strep felt after my once-a-year run with it during my glory days. There was always the fall cold, the winter flu, the spring sniffles, and the summer stomach ache. Perhaps the below freezing temperatures in Seattle for the last week have had something to do with it. My joke this morning to my dad about Seattle getting more snow than Montana wasn’t such a joke after all. I feel like crying . . . or better yet staying home and not driving ANYWHERE, since clearly everyone here, no matter where they are originally from, after putting on chains completely forget all driving skills. Thank God I am unemployed though or I would probably end up pulling my car out of the garage and getting it stuck in the drive-way again. That is so lame.

2 gallons of Apple Juice, 1 can of Campbell’s soup, 4 Ibuprofen, multiple naps, countless hours of lying on the couch and a slug of Pepto later and wishing I had at least received some fun new mail or something . . . anything! I’m not all about the bed sores of constantly sleeping so I’m trying to stay active. Which today consists of running downstairs to check my mail . . . and we all know how that turned out. I guess I did spend those 2 hours playing quizzes to determine if I am addicted to lip gloss, am a boring first date, or if I know didalee-squat about boys . . . hmm . . . no comment.

Whatever . . . back to the couch.

I have been thinking about another tattoo for some time now. I guess ever since I got the first one (working on six years ago). A friend, Dan (you know who you are) told me that they were addictive . . . much like potato chips. ” I bet you can’t have just one”. Dang you Dan! You were so right. I wonder how many you have now . . . you had, I don’t know, like four, 8 years ago. I bet your sleeved now. ha! Well, Dan, despite new friends saying ‘don’t do it’ . . . I might still. And . . . to my advantage there are like a million sites online where I can shop around for my next design. Let me save myself from everyone’s lecture though and just say, these are not ACTUALLY any of the designs I am considering.

Although I am sure some people look at my first one and say, “That’s it?!” coming up with it was a very long thought process, so don’t undermine me. It all goes back to when I was a little girl . . . I stole a little boy from KMart, and my mommy made me bring him back. Ha! No, seriously, I was in middle school and it was back when TLC was my favorite girl group, and wearing condoms as an accessory with your ‘United Colors of Benetton’ oversize sweatshirt, was in style. Not only did I silly-puddy a small diamond jewel to my nose to imagine what a nose stud would look like, but I also drew, in blue ink, an outline of a star, the size of a quarter, on my skin. The placement varied, sometimes ankle, sometimes hip, wrist . . . placement to counter-balance the stud and one bib overall strap that was hanging down. I was 13 and dreaming of a little blue permanent accessory.

It was after living in Seattle one summer, with my brother, and after my first experience as a barista, serious clubbing, hanging out with other Seattle grunge, and playing the part of the studded dog collar wearing, punk, suburban youth, that I decided to go under the needle. I was 21, had been struggling to get over my first real heartbreak, and after a year of dwelling on the same guy realized it was time to move on. So to speak. It may have been my boss and the girl who taught be everything I know about coffee, Amanda, and her tattoos, it might have been the sailors that came in for Seafair, that I spent my last week in Seattle oogling. It might have just been I was 21 and feeling crazy. I will just say there was no question in my mind what I would get, nor where I would get it (also thanks to Amanda). I guess I learned a lot from her, and not just that I really liked ‘Tool’ and that boys driving Mercedes in Bellevue didn’t necessarily mean they were rich, but sometimes just the lot boy at the dealership. So, thank you Amanda, for the lessons. heh heh.

I was so committed to getting a tattoo that somewhere on my way to the parlor I managed to get my mom to come along. Didn’t take much pushing though since she had found her tattoo design of choice while visiting me in Seattle. So, she and I ventured to Painless Steel in Montana, where much to my Dad’s horror and my brother’s cheer in finding a location to get pierced, we got inked.

The second it was over though I was talking about tat #2. Debating mostly on whether or not is was really necessary. After 6 years . . . I think . . . maybe . . . just maybe . . . it is, and I would like to assume that based on the general theme of my image you can imagine what direction I am looking to head. ; )

Well back in the pool of those unemployed. I will now be very actively job hunting . . . that is when I’m not busy having lunch with friends and playing social butterfly. If only someone would pay me to drink coffee and eat scones. I would never have to work again.

Digging deep in to craig’s list . . . I have found many intriguing positions listed . . . definitely worth a closer look. What do you think?

Circus Contraption Managing Director – Manging Director of the contraption? Sounds nice. I think last time I used the word contraption it was preceded by ‘What the heck is this stupid’ or something along that lines.

Gospel Choir Director – I can see it now. Think Whitney Houston in ‘The Preacher’s Wife’ but put me there instead. I think we might have a possibility here. Hey! I took choir in middle school. Stop Smirking!

Teen Coordinator – Do teens need to be coordinated? Hey! For $16 an hour I’ll coordinate almost anyone.

Forklift Driver – It can’t be that much different than my Honda Accord. Right?

Car Opener – Whatev! I can like, soooo do that! Totally! I like do it every day on my way to the mall! Oo my gosh! Ah!

Dynamic On-Air Anchor for Public Television – What do you think? I could be dynamic, right? Hmmm . . . next time you see me I will be a BIG STAR on PBS. Watch out Kelly Ripa I’m taking over day time telly.

I’m off to prep my resume. Can you hear me already Kelly? “Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, HEY HEY HEY! GOOD BYE!”

Ever trusted someone completely on their word, but then years later looked back and realized that trusting them was complete insanity? How about this, let me put it more frankly. Have you ever had someone you are dating, stay with someone of the opposite sex for the night and then tell you that nothing happened, nor would there ever be reason for something to happen? Yeah. Me too. Well don’t believe them.

I always believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt and trying to not assume before actually knowing the truth. I still believe that, but if a boyfriend tells me, “I don’t like her. I didn’t mess around with her” . . . I’m kicking him out right then and there. Why waste anymore time? Trust me ladies, or you will end up like me . . . an ex, to a man, who is fathering a baby to a girl who used to stay with him, and even when he denied any interest in her, was mostly likely cheating on you the whole time.

All those times she stayed at his house and he said he was staying in the other room, but he didn’t have the heart to ask her to leave. Why . . . “because she was having a bad day”. BOO HOO! When he said, “I don’t want to upset her and ask her to go” and you said “well you are upsetting me instead, which matters more?” and he still let her stay. BREAK UP WITH HIM! Just do it ladies! Don’t look back. DO IT! You wont regret it.

Thank God that relationship is over.

I guess we all have to experience these things some day or another . . . for me. Being stood up. I suppose after standing up the same guy twice in the last month fate took a turn on me and said, “Now you see what it feels like”. Well, it feels . . . odd, confusing, frustrating, and just down right comical. I thought my days of uneasy stomach symptoms were due to the anxiousness of my up-coming date,only to find out that I have stomach flu. Not butterflies (Okay well maybe some of it was butterflies). Well, glad I have solved that problem or rather question as to why the uneasy feel.

Now that I am past the, “What the?” and the “How come?” and the “Who does he think he is?” I can just sit back . . . and get a bit of a laugh out of it. I wonder how guy number one felt when I completely chickened out, decided he was too old, didn’t know him from Adam and was just way to into Numerology and his ‘I only eat fish’ thing for me to really go for him. Sorry, I like steak. Bloody steak.

Guy number two was different in my eyes, but perhaps because of the change around. I was older this time. Well and he never said the 3 words no girl looking for a ‘real man’ wants to hear. “I’m a Pescetarian”. Trust me. I think “I like to knit” would feel better coming from a man. Men . . . meat + potatoes. Right? Or have I lost it? No this guy said things that girls like, such as “I go to church every Sunday”. That’s a good man.

Ah well, maybe there is something to meeting men through the internet and how that doesn’t work or isn’t a good idea. (wink) We’ll see.

I always told myself I wouldn’t be one to fall into the myspace craze. I scoffed at those who told me, “You MUST have a myspace page!” So embarassing, but since Mom and Dad went back home before New Years it’s nearly all I do. Being unemployed may have it’s disadvantages . . . that is if you consider reworking your myspace profile five times a day a bad thing. Ha! So I will hide my face and turn away from the truth . . . total denial to those who will say, ” I told you so.” Come on . . . it’s kind of fun. Is this too much fun?